Out of the Broom Closet?

As I browsed through Tumblr tonight (as is fairly usual), I decided to browse through the Pagan tags for once.  I only do this in a very great while, because more often than not, I find more ignorance and fluffy bunny content than I do posts with real thought to them.  And on occasion the Pagan Tumblr community gets someone who decides to attack Wicca and Paganism and starts spamming everyone with hate mail.  So I tend to stay out of there.  But tonight, I thought I’d give it another shot.

I found a post from one user that expressed her frustration with our use of the phrase “coming out of the broom closet”.  According to her, this expression is irksome because being a Pagan does not equate to being LGBT, and by our tweaking of the “coming out of the closet” expression, we have somehow equated the one with the other.  In her words: “Do not compare, being a witch, to being LGBT. Just don’t.”

To be forthcoming: I am a straight, white female.  I am not a lesbian.  I’m as straight as they come.  However, having many close friends and a family member who are lesbian, gay, or bisexual, I do have a very frequent look into and interaction with the LGBT community and LGBT issues.

I agree, in part, with what this person says.  She states that being a lesbian is not a choice, but being a Pagan is.  I agree that being LGBT is not a choice, that people are born that way.  But I do not believe that my being Pagan is a choice.  I fully believe that I was born a Pagan.  Just as this person knows she is a lesbian, I know I am a Pagan.

She states: “See…you can choose to stop being a witch. If your terrified your family will leave you, if your convinced being a witch will damn you to hell, you can stop.”  Yes, I could stop being a Pagan.  But only by lying to myself and everyone else and denying my very essence.  And I can’t do that.  Denying my being Pagan is denying a fundamental part of who I am.  I can no more change that aspect of my soul than I can change the weather.  I could never become a Christian, or Jewish, or Muslim, or anything else.  This is the way I am.  For some Pagans out there, this may not be true.  I don’t know, and that is for each to discover for him- or herself.  Now, some people hide their religious beliefs in order to keep themselves or their families safe from harassment and assault.  I may get be opening a can of worms for asking this, and please know I don’t mean any offense– but how is that scenario different from an LGBT person staying in the closet in order to avoid harassment and assault?  Both are hiding who they fundamentally are for protection.

I understand, to a point, the frustration this person expresses with the “broom closet” expression.  But I also think she is neglecting the fact that many Pagans are on this path for life.  Once we find the path, generally speaking, we stay on it.  Not because we choose to, but because something inside of us calls us to do so; something inside tells us that this is right, that this is who we are, that this aspect of ourselves can no longer be denied.  It’s more than just a religious or spiritual conviction; it’s a way of life, a fact of life, and one that can’t simply be undone because of fear or a desire to make grandma like us more.  Trust me, if I wanted to make my grandmothers like me more and be more proud of me, I’d be in that church in a heartbeat and singing gospel.  But I can’t, and I won’t, because it’s not who I am and is, in fact, fundamentally opposite of who I am.

I am not trying to say that an LGBT person’s hardship is any less than a Pagan person’s, or vice versa.  I’m not trying to say that one is better or worse than the other.  I am saying that LGBT people and Pagan people have gone through an awful lot of similar issues over the years, including harassment, assault, abuse, torture, bullying, and so forth for simply being who they are.  In my view, the use of an expression does not diminish one group’s suffering over another’s.  I believe that by using the “broom closet” statement, we say “Our experiences are similar to yours, and we understand how this feels,” rather than “Our experiences are exactly the same and we’re hiding in the same closet.”  Because they aren’t exactly the same–but they are similar if you take a closer look.

It’s possible that I can’t understand her frustration, and so this entire post may be very off-base.  After all, I am not LGBT.  I have not experienced negative attention because of my sexual orientation or choice in partners, etc.  I have only my own experiences and thoughts to guide me on this.  But I have experienced negative attention, even among my own family, for being anything other than Christian.

Forced Out of the Broom Closet

I’ve talked before about making the decision to come out of the broom closet and what that means, and why a person would or would not make the choice to do so.  But what if you’re forced out of the broom closet?  What if you’re accidentally outed?  What would you do then? How could that kind of situation be handled?

It’s not an easy decision to come out to friends and family and explain spiritual beliefs.  It’s certainly much more difficult when the decision is taken from you, whether intentionally or not.  In some cases, it was purely accidental–a slip of the tongue, a discussion not intended for certain ears, etc.  In others, it’s intentional–someone is spreading rumors, or telling others what they know, etc.

Step One: Breathe

Regardless of the situation, remember to breathe.  This will help to keep you calmer.  Deep breathing is a natural cue to the body to relax and slow down, which will help your mind to regroup and think clearer as well.  This will help with the initial shock of being outed and will help you to bounce back faster.  If the outing was accidental, breathing will help with your shock; if the outing was intentional, then the person who did the outing is likely looking for a reaction of some kind.  I can’t think of many reasons to out a person except to get a reaction or to malign a person’s character.  Either way, remaining calm will give you the edge in the situation, as it will likely make the others person look like an inflammatory busy-body looking to cause trouble.

Step Two: Try to Find Out the Accuracy of Their Information

This is an optional step.  You can either do this step and then move on to step three, or skip it and go directly into the answering questions phase.  But it may be helpful to try to figure out where the person got their information, how much they know, and how much is accurate.  Let’s say your friend comes to you and says, “I heard a rumor that you’re Pagan.”  After the initial shock, the first question on most peoples’ minds is “Where did you hear that?”  You can deny it, sure, if that’s what you want and if it fits the situation.  But if you decide to have a conversation about it, then it would probably be helpful to find out what the other person knows so you can clarify any misconceptions, mistakes, or outright lies.  The key to this step is to do so in a way that is not accusatory.  If you take on a defensive stance and an accusatory tone, the other person will get defensive as well, a situation that is not conducive to meaningful conversation and clarity.  Repeat step one as often as necessary, but do your best not to accuse the other person.

Step Three: Decide Whether to Answer Questions

The choice is always up to you whether you want to answer other peoples’ questions or not.  If you’re not ready to answer their questions, or to get into a length discussion of your beliefs (or an interrogation), then simply tell the other person that you prefer not to discuss the subject at this time, but you would answer questions later on.  Then leave it at that.  If you don’t answer questions, the other person will eventually lose interest and change the subject.  A one-sided conversation can go for only so long when the other person wants information and you’re not giving it to them.

On the other hand, if you do begin to answer questions, and you feel ready to do so after the initial shock of finding out that people know you’re Pagan/Wiccan/Asatru/Other Affiliation, then great.  Answer as you see fit, and remember to keep your cool.  Depending on the situation and people involved, answering questions can bring up controversial topics, but the longer you stay calm, the likelier it is that the other person will stay calm as well.

Step Four: If Necessary, Walk Away

No one should have to stay in a situation in which they are being attacked, belittled, or degraded.  Therefore, if you have managed to stay calm, but the other person is off on a tirade and won’t listen to a word you say, then calmly remove yourself from the situation.  Summon help if you need to, call in friends or other family members, but walk away.  There is no point in remaining in an inflammatory situation–it only makes things worse for all involved.

 

The key thing to remember, in my opinion, is to stay as calm and collected as possible.  It’s going to be a shock, yes.  It’s going to be difficult.  But if you can remember to stay calm, then you will handle this kind of situation far better than if you don’t.  And remember, if someone is intentionally outing you, then chances are they’re looking for a reaction or looking to cause trouble–and the best way to pull the rug from under their feet is to not give them what they’re looking for.